Jane and I have a comedy routine going. 

For example. Off to Canyon Market, I was, and what was I going to get? Well, after having suggested that we go out…out being anything that is not inside this writer’s mind…Jane reminded me of the once-frozen chicken curry we were having tonight. And is there even the slightest intimation of something wrong with said chicken curry? No. And, for once, we were even having it with brown rice. My wife avoids brown rice. Why? Not weight. Jane, weighing in at 116 pounds, has nothing about her that remotely suggests prediabetes. But there you have it. Genetics.

One thing about chicken curry is that it almost demands dhal, in fact tarka dhal. Certain taste experiences last forever. Like Mexican. If you are from California and absolutely don’t like tacos or frijoles, well fuck you. You don’t belong here. There’s plenty of room for you in Vermont. No there isn’t, but that’s not the point. What is the point? Oh, yes, Jane and I were ”discussing” dinner. And we had gotten as far as the curry/rice when I suggested adding the dhal. 

I could tell from her demeanor, that this was unacceptable. Even worse, I was suggesting picking up a boil-in-the-pouch dhal at the market. And this may have additionally offended her. Jane, very much a homebody, has quite a pantry. Hers is stocked, complete…and as well ordered as the Congressional Library. Yes, she had some dhal. And it must be admitted that I almost forgot this last part, even when in Canyon Market.

The Golden Gate Bridge is held together by opposing forces. Gravity pulls the cables down. The weight of traffic pulls the very slightly arched roadway toward flatness. The giant curving cable between the towers pulls the tall supports sideways in either direction. And it somehow all works. So does a marriage. Or at least ours. Tensions are permanent and necessary. And there you have it.

So while Jane is trying to gain weight, hoping to nudge herself up to 118 pounds and stay there, I am, of course, am trying at all times to do the opposite. Am I fat? No. But I have too much weight for a 77 year-old incomplete quadriplegic. Never were two more diametrically opposite goals worked into one equation. We both like eating. Jane loves cooking. I love that Jane loves cooking. And Jane loves that I love her cooking. And so on. Anyway, back to the dhal.

When made correctly, it must be admitted that the caloric value of dhal is surprisingly high. Did you think that dhal was basically lentils with a bunch of stuff? Well, you would be kind of right. And kind of critically wrong. I mean, first there is the ghee. Nothing like clarified butter to get those calories going. Mung beans, a surprising ingredient only revealed to me after a search on the web, well they have calories too.

But, dammit, who cares, if you are Jane? If you are actually TRYING to gain weight, what’s to argue?  Well, it turns out that the Golden Gate Bridge isn’t an adequate metaphor. Because Jane is trying to not only gain weight, not become diabetic, be a good wife, mother, grandmother and so on…but she is also improving her biome. I keep forgetting this.

Months go by without a single thought to my own biome. But no week goes by without reference to Jane’s. You want good bacteria in your intestinal system. That is the short and long of it. No, not your intestine, which, yes, has a short intestine and a long intestine, but don’t mess with me. Just listen. And I am absolutely certain that medical science is on a wonderful frontier. Go, biome! Go, fight, win one for the Gipper. Just don’t talk to me about it, OK?

Where was I? Oh, of course, somewhere in my intestine, looking at the bacteria all around me and thinking well, isn’t this great? Aren’t we one happy bacterial family? We’re not even fighting with each other. We are holding our little bacterial hands, gathering around the metabolic campfire and singing songs. After dinner. No, bad metaphor. Long after dinner. Maybe forever.

Anyway, dinner isn’t all that far away. There will be curry. And there may be dhal. And there certainly will be biome.