I can gauge the general state of my spirit by how much I am inclined to get mad at myself. Dropping something and observing ‘pig' being a prime example. But example of what? Some sort of profound disappointment. That I have failed…to be master of everything, it seems. That I have spent so much of my life at the mercy of a body I can't control. And now that control is waning even further. And I hate it. What did I think was supposed to happen? Or more precisely, why can't I be happy with what Read more [...]

It's unclear why or what drives me to want to get out these mornings. At least I am wondering. Jane departs early to help her daughter with the stresses of recent motherhood. And somehow getting out blunts the effect of being alone. What's wrong with being alone? Nothing, except that the experience triggers various memories. So I don't go there. Where I do go is down the hill to Cup, my current neighborhood hangout. Where I am currently stuck in a sort of rut vis-à-vis avocado toast. The proprietor Read more [...]

Several mornings a week, I rise from my wheelchair and hobble about the bedroom with a crutch. As I used to do for several decades. Now the event is not only difficult but infrequent. And doubtless made more difficult by its infrequency. And importantly, I do not to this on my own. Dennis, my morning helper, stands by with arms out, poised to catch me if I fall. In this very moment what's important about this exercise…which is exactly that, part of my morning workout…is the fear factor. I am Read more [...]

It must be a sign of desperate political times that I now read the column of the conservative David Brooks without flinching. At least not so much. And in today's New York Times he really sounded quite sane, although his message was a pleasantly familiar one. The land. It's what we have in these United States. It is one of the few things that unites us. And the general desecration of it is now right at top of the Trump agenda. No surprise. It's also no surprise that the extent of what might Read more [...]

It came to me in one of those in-between flashes, this very morning, while Dennis was giving me the usual range of motion…and the range of emotion opened on demand. I remembered the many years of my life in which I conceived of myself as hopelessly, and unfortunately, single. Unlovable, not good relationship material…somehow a loser in this regard, a chronic failure. And it is not as though this is a state secret, nor something obscure and distant. No, this is the truth of only a few decades Read more [...]

The day began as all do, with a major physiological burst. Half an aerobic hour on the exercycle, a slightly worrying walk with crutch around the bedroom, weights and pulleys, stretching. Then freedom. The latter translated into meeting Stephen at the Wednesday outdoor market in San Francisco's Civic Center. Where the elevator was listed as out of service as I entered the subway…although within minutes an announcement flooded the BART platform that all lifts were lifting. All anyone could want. Not Read more [...]