Fear

Another thing about the Good Mother.  She takes feelings, particularly anxiety, seriously.

Anxiety?  The truth seems simple enough.  The more I get close to Marlou, the more we are open to each other, vulnerable with each other...and the more I seem to be going out on an emotional limb.  Why?  Well, there's the obvious explanation, the thought that Marlou may leave me.  But I'm not entirely convinced this is the reason.  Fear of emotional abandonment springs directly from my childhood.  In California psychobabble we speak of "being there" for each other.  And while glib, maybe this expression is as good as any.  After all, it's not that people have to do anything about a kid and his emotional plight.  What can be done, anyway?  Much of the time, all you can do is listen.  The message isn't really a message.  It's an experience.  I'm not alone, you're not alone and we are not alone.

That's why I give myself high marks for phoning the ophthalmology department at my local clinic.  Occasionally, many months apart, I get what looks like the symptoms of a retinal tear.  There's a pattern of jagged light.  Then the thing goes away, maybe 10 minutes later.  I've only got two retinas.  I mean to hang on to them.  These events scare me.  And the fear resonates.  Underlying anxiety, terror of losing my eyesight, the feelings echo about the day.  And simply put, who needs this?  That's why God invented ophthalmology departments.  They are trying to fit me in at my local clinic.  Meanwhile, the ophthalmology nurse reminded me of what my doctor had written me by way of return e-mail.  There's a thing called an optical migraine.  It fits these symptoms.  I had seen my doctor's e-mail but somehow forgotten.

Which leaves me where?  Here.  Emotionally present and accounted for.  I can't say that fear is vanquished, only that dread is reduced.

Certainly, this is the opposite of running.  It contrasts sharply with obsessing, compulsing and avoiding.  The thing is, my imagination and creativity and whatever skill and ability I have requires being in touch with my feelings.  And it's so easy to drift the other way.  The modern world is full of distractions, invitations to distance oneself from the present, escapes.

While Marlou and I are learning to escape to each other.  At our best, we each offer the other a chance to be truthful and accepted.  For me, this is an escape from being pseudo-strong.  Marlou may experience something similar.  Life is short and fragile.  We know this more than most people.  Meanwhile, our vacation escapes consist of escaping agendas, largely.  There was nothing we had to accomplish in Tuscany, no one we had to impress.  The guide books came out now and then, but they were only guides, not tour leaders.  Now, we are considering an August week in Marin.  No agendas, no apologies.  No fears?  Not very likely.  Just no one better to experience fear with.